Suggested New Year’s resolutions for Liverpool FC

The turn of the year is a good opportunity for people to take a long, hard look at themselves and figure out what they can do to improve, specifically in the form of “New Year’s Resolutions” – which is a guilty promise you make to yourself that gets completely forgotten around about January 18^th.

Personally, I’m pretty happy with how things are going, but I’ve made three resolutions for 2011 because there’s always room for improvement:

1 – Get more sleep.
2 – Drink more water.
3 – Be ambitious and imaginative in everything that I do.

Now we all know that things are somewhat “belly-up” at Liverpool FC, and I genuinely feel that if the staff and players take on board my suggestions we will enjoy a happier, more successful year than the last one…. (can’t be too difficult to be fair).

Roy Hodgson:

In 2011 I WILL…

Win more games.

In 2011 I WON’T…

1 – Lose.
2 – Draw.

John W. Henry:

I WILL…

1 – Put a stop to the empty seats at Anfield by bringing Mrs Henry to more games.

2 – Try to sign the following:

• Messi.
• Messi’s brother, if he has one.

I WON’T…

Hire the following people in any professional capacity:

• Sven.
• Sam Allardyce.
• Sven (worth repeating).

Ryan Babel:

I WILL…

Come off the bench and actually do something. Even if it’s just wave and smile.

I WON’T…

Waste any more of my time “rapping”. Hobbies are good fun and everything, but enough is enough. Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre will not make me a more effective Plan D substitute.

Fernando Torres:

I WILL…

Encourage Stevie to get some rest, he looks well shattered!

I WON’T…

Faff about with my hair. That’s when the trouble started in the first place.

Raul Meireles:

I WILL…

Keep being grateful when people tell me that I’m settling into Liverpool well because of my “passing, energy, and great link-up play with Gerrard and Torres”

I WON’T…

Get offended when people tell me that I’m settling into Liverpool well because of my “gaunt features, threatening skinhead, scary tattoos and quintessential crack-head eyes”

Paul Konchesky:

I WILL…

Get rid of mum’s computer.

I WON’T…

Let her get a new one.

Glen Johnson:

I WILL…

Keep playing badly for England on purpose because Jamie gets a kick out of it. Gary Neville is the only other option the country has got, I can do what I like! Haha! Great fun.

I WON’T…

Keep using LFC games as practise for my comedy-bad England performances. I’ve probably practised the clodhopping joker routine enough now – got it down to a tee in fact – it’s time I started playing with my shoes on the correct feet again…

Alberto Aquilini:

I WILL…

Invest in a 15 tog slanket to be worn at all times with bubble-wrap-covered motorcycle helmet and double-padded Ugg boots. Don’t want to be doing myself any more mischiefs!

I WON’T…

Commit to anything that may endanger my health or cause injury, e.g. zorbing, paintballing, rock climbing, horse riding, bungee jumping, go-karting, kayaking, snowboarding, “Go Ape!”, Laser Quest, playing football, etc.

Pepe Reina:

I WILL…

Claim back my “look”. Them rubbish outfield baldies are giving us no-hairs a bad name.

I WON’T…

Let it get to me that if I hadn’t messed-up in the last minute against Arsenal in the first game of the season we would have banked 3 points, kept Mascherano, and probably had a completely different season. It’s not my fault. My therapist is definitely right, it’s definitely not all my fault that we’ll finish 11^th this year. Definitely not my fault.

Joe Cole:

I WILL…

Do better at work when I am at work.

I WON’T…

Go outside of the lines when I’m colouring-in after work (during playtime! 😀 ).

…………………………………….

I’ve missed out quite a few key players (it seemed harsh and counter-productive to suggest that Lucas “stop looking like such a bloody gormless wool” for 2011), so if you have any suggestions or thoughts then feel free to add your comments below.