Your Majesty,
May I start by saying that it is a great honour to write to you. It has been many years since I’ve had a pen-pal, and I would be delighted if you were kind enough to reply.
Before I get onto my urgent request, I’d like to ask you a few questions, nothing important – just a few things I’ve been curious about recently:
1 – Do you have a mobile? Don’t worry I’m not asking for your number or anything – I just wonder if you have one as everyone seems to have one these days, even my Grandma! She keeps trying to use it to raise the volume on her telly, but she’s got one nonetheless.
2 – Do you have a Facebook profile? I tried searching for you but all I got were Freddie Mercury fan pages. Do you get as annoyed as I do with the way that Facebook constantly seems to change itself? Do you use “smileys” on Facebook chat? What are your thoughts on “poking”?
3 – Have you ever eaten a McDonalds? If so, which meal did you go for? I think Big Mac, but I have a friend who is convinced you’re a Nugget sort of gal.
4 – Your footy captain: Terry or Rio? I would say “penny for your thoughts”, but it seems weird because your head is on all of the pennies. And pounds. And 50ps. Etc.
Anyway, I digress. The reason I am getting in touch is with regards to my invitation to “the big do” – your Bill’s wedding. By the way, I must say I’m very impressed that you managed to book the wedding on a bank holiday, what lucky timing! Friends in high places, eh?
I’m really looking forward to it though (weddings are always the best booze-ups), but the problem that I’m having, Your Maj, is that my invitation hasn’t actually shown up yet! Nightmare! I realised that it hadn’t arrived a few weeks ago, but I figured it may be down to Royal Mail being useless as usual (no offence), and I didn’t want to stress you out while you were getting things sorted: the buffet and all that.
…as an aside, I did hear a rumour that The Duke of Edinburgh is down to DJ at the ceremony – can you confirm? If so, can I please request “The Time Warp“? I appreciate that you’ll probably be inundated with playlist and shout-out requests to pass on to The Duke, but it might be worth mentioning to him that I did almost get his Bronze award when in Year 9 (took too long to do the charity bit, couldn’t fit it in around my SATs – you know how it is…), so surely that counts for something.
I have attached my address, so if you wouldn’t mind resending my invite I’ll RSVP pronto and start looking for a present for the happy young couple. Can you have a root in Willy’s room and see if he’s got an Only Fools And Horses alarm clock? If he’s already got it then it’ll have to be vouchers – I’ve had a £10 WH Smiths one taking up wallet-space since Xmas ’09 and I couldn’t think of two better people to fob it off to. It’s just too far out of the way, Your Highness, and I tend to buy my DVDs online these days, cheaper deals – you know how it is.
Looking forward to seeing you soon,
Regards,
Chris Burgess.
Chris Loves Football 